Just For Today, I will Try To…

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ChrisArnold

Friday, 08 December 2023

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Just For Today, I will Try To...

"How are you, Chris?"

It's a question I have been asked a lot since January 2023.

My answer has always been the same - I'm physically fine, mentally fine but am an emotional wreck.

The question is now whether my mental strength can help overcome the emotional trainwreck of the past year?

A year that saw my soul-mate of fifty years in and out of hospital for weeks at a time.

May 2023 saw her discharged home and the prospect of time in a single hospital bed for the convenience of those tasked with her recovery.

I witnessed first-hand the spectrum of care and compassion delivered by the NHS doctors, District Nurses, Care providers and Social Care.

As one that has spent those fifty years fiercely protecting my mate, it brought out the very worst in me. Something she had continually strived to counter with her unfailing kindness and gratitude.

I tried everything in my power to get her better.

An enthusiastic but ultimately useless private physiotherapist came three times a week. Oliver, an amazing chiropractor quickly discovered that Angela resisted any efforts to force on her physical movement and responded well to encouragement to do it herself. Hope soared that she would soon be out of that uncomfortable Bastille of a bed.

It was not to be. Slowly and then all of a sudden, it became obvious that things were not getting better. I told myself that I could cope with her not being here but not with seeing her daily suffering.

For one so private and so proudly independent, the intrusive 24/7 personal care became too much to bear. Her dignity was cruelly taken from her. Angela sadly passed away on Wednesday 29th November at 11.11pm.

I tell myself that she is at peace, in a better place, all those things we believe bring comfort to our broken world.

She told me often that she had loved every minute of our life together and would like to do it all over again. That she was ready to "pop her clogs" and that she was "going to Heaven to get a new body."

It's not like I was unprepared for her passing but selfishly I wanted our life together to continue.

Not the extraordinary, but just the simple things like holding hands and seeing her smile light up a room. Doing what I could to make her happy.

I'm spiritual rather than religious.

But it's a constant battle between the mental and emotional.

I tell myself things and I believe them to be true.

I am grateful that Angela is at peace. With those she has loved. That she is still with me in spirit. All those things.

And yet.

And yet, I can't hold it together.

I've never before known grief.

I have never been so emotionally all-in with anyone other than my mate.

My sister died many years ago. My Mother and later my Father. I felt not a flicker of emotion. Shed not one tear.

Now I can't stop.

They say time is a healer.

Let's hope they are wrong. I choose not to feel a detachment. Not to numb the pain. If grief is the price we pay for love, I will never stop paying.

It just makes me poor company, that's all.

Condolences from friends and neighbours are sincere but they just remind me of the pain.

I've decided to keep myself busy.

One charity close to Angela's heart was Guide Dogs For the Blind. She spent time a few years back raising funds for them and has always been keen to support the blind.

So I'm in touch with www.sightconcern.co.uk to find ways I can help those less fortunate.

Ideally, paired with someone that likes reading or writing, wildlife or music. I don't care - as long as I can help.

I need to be around people now, that I'm not emotionally attached to.

So that just for today, I will try to keep it together.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

It's very cathartic to write. It brings clarity to my life.

It's becoming less about the parochial world of real estate and more about the real world.